Nov

18

My heart skips a beat when I say #ThoseThreeWords detonate the warhead!

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Nov

18

I received secret service protection once. Of course I was wearing the president’s face at the time.

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Nov

18

#UShouldBeHappy that I haven’t lowered you into a tank of ravenous sharks for being bad at spelling. You’re getting the nerve gas instead.

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Nov

18

I don’t understand why the NYPD doesn’t just dissolve all the #OWS protesters. They’re being inconvenient, so you kill them. Simple.

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Nov

09

I was having some problems with protesters from #occupyvolcano so I had them thrown into the volcano. Moral of the story: have a volcano.

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Nov

08

I am so disappointed that the #DroidRAZR isn’t an autonomous razor blade covered flying death-bot. Oh, well. I’ll just make one myself. #DIY

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Nov

08

I’ve also taken the liberty of strapping rockets onto #YU55 in case you have any doubts about its current trajectory. It’s going to hit you.

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Nov

08

If anyone needs help dealing with this YU55 thing let me know. I have a giant moon laser you can borrow for 100 billion dollars.

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Nov

07

A list of #DoctorsBetterThanConradMurray should include me. I’ve never killed anyone involuntarily and certainly never been caught.

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